


Once More, With Feeling

by pomme_noir



Category: Star Trek (2009)
Genre: Angst, First Time, Jealousy, M/M, Romance, Starfleet Academy
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2011-01-04
Updated: 2011-01-04
Packaged: 2017-10-14 10:17:12
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 12,662
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/148195
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/pomme_noir/pseuds/pomme_noir
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Bones is at first oblivious to and then increasingly puzzled by his jealous reactions to Jim’s flirtatious behavior with other people—even, it would appear, Bones’ ex-wife, Jocelyn. Bones sees red when he finds out Jim has sent Jocelyn a  Christmas card, the content of which he refuses to reveal. The ensuing confrontation leads to more than Bones ever expected...but is what he really wanted all along.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Once More, With Feeling

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you to my beta Mamacita. Written for Space_Wrapped on LJ. Prompt #38: Jim sends a Xmas card to Jocelyn. Bones finds out..

Leonard McCoy didn’t care for the holidays. He found people’s exuberance annoying and their stupidity tiring. He was hoping with being in space and all, he’d be saved the majority of it. Unfortunately for him, his captain was James T. Kirk. Jim’s complete turnaround from apathy to cheer was not only disturbing but unwelcome. Leonard understood the switch. Jim, having never felt like he had anything to celebrate or family to celebrate with, had finally gotten both. So Leonard tried his hardest not to rain on Jim’s parade, all the while glaring and mourning the loss of his formerly jaded best friend.

He was absently wrapping an ensign’s hand, tuning out the excited chatter of the other crew, when he heard, “The Captain is even letting us put up mistletoe in designated areas.”

Leonard paused. “What?” He felt his left eye start to twitch. He quickly finished wrapping the hand and sent the ensign on his way.

This was just taking it to a whole new level. This called for drastic measures. He was still doing research on the computer when Jim found him. “Come on, Bones, you’ve been off shift for an hour already. Let’s go get something to eat.”

“Go ahead, Jim. I’ll grab something later.”

Jim, being the curious bastard he was, wanted to know what it was that had Bones’ undivided attention. Coming around the desk, he peeked over Bones’ shoulder. Leonard tried to quickly close out of the screen before Jim could see, but it was too late.

“Bones, why are you looking at resorts in the Centaurus A galaxy?”

“Just trying to get some holiday ideas. Come on—didn’t you say you were hungry?”

Jim eyed him suspiciously but accepted his explanation. “Hurry up, Bones. The chef made sugar cookies in the shape of the Enterprise and I want to get there before they’re all gone.”

Leonard heaved an internal sigh, and with one last longing look at his computer he followed Jim to the mess hall. He nibbled moodily on a sugar cookie. Yeah, they were good; so what?

After dinner Leonard hid in his room to escape Jim’s excitement. Later he ambled into Sickbay, head down, looking at his PADD and sipping coffee. He was waiting for a response from Deneb Kaitos Resort. If all went as planned, he’d be taking all the accrued leave he had been building up and spending Christmas in peace and solitude, just the way he liked it. There was no way Jim could deny his leave request; as the resort was on their way, McCoy had made sure of it. He allowed himself a moment of satisfaction before getting to work.

“Bo-ones,” a voice sing-songed. The botanist whose bite Leonard had been checking flinched at the face the doctor made.

“Go away, Jim. I’m busy.”

“Not so busy that you couldn’t book a stay on Deneb Kaitos.”

Leonard whipped around. “What the hell, Jim? You’ve been spying on me?”

“Not at all,” Jim said, hopping up on a biobed. “All transmissions are reviewed by the communications department. Our friendly communications officer was so kind as to point yours out to me.”

Leonard fumed inwardly. He was going to make Uhura pay. “What of it?”

“Just curious as to why, after all this time ,you suddenly decided to use your leave.” Jim’s tone was light, but there was a thread of anger running through it.

Choosing not to answer, Leonard finished applying ointment to the bite and dressed it. Once he'd sent the botanist on his way and they were alone, he looked at Jim. “What does it matter why I want to go to Deneb Kaitos?”

“Bones, for as long as I’ve known you you’ve never taken leave, let alone shown any interest in staying at a luxury resort.”

“Aren’t you the one who’s been bitching at me since the Academy that I work too hard?”

“Oh, that's what it is, then? You’re finally, after all these years, taking my advice?” Jim asked, the sarcasm making his words sour.

“Or it could be I just want to get away.”

Jim’s voice was quiet when he asked, “You mean get away from me?”

Leonard could have kicked himself. Being aware of Jim’s sore points was both a good and a bad thing. It made arguing with him a lot harder for fear that something said in passing would be taken to heart. Saying Jim had abandonment issues was like saying no one had ever described Leonard as a bitter divorcé.

“It has nothing to do with you, Jim.”

“You’ve been avoiding me over nothing, then?”

Glancing around and noticing that they had Chapel’s attention, Leonard motioned Jim towards his office to continue their conversation. Once behind the closed door he sighed. “Look, you’re happy, you’re getting into the whole holiday spirit. If I stayed here I’d just bring you down.”

“You’re so full of it, Bones. You just want to be left alone to wallow in your misery. Would it kill you to live a little?”

Just as Leonard knew Jim’s sore spots, so Jim knew Leonard's. “What the fuck, Jim? Just because I don’t want to string garlands and imbibe synthesized eggnog I’m a miserable human being?” Jim should be thankful Leonard was taking his grumpy hide off somewhere and not polluting their holiday cheer with his miserly self. He didn’t think he deserved Jim’s anger. What did Jim care if he was here on the ship or at a luxury resort? But Jim just stared him down.

Being the jackass he was, Leonard asked, “Does this mean you’re not going to approve my leave?”

“Whatever you want, Bones.” Jim didn’t say goodbye, just turned around and left.

Leonard was not going to feel guilty.

He hadn’t seen Jim in three days; they were mutually avoiding each other. Leonard didn’t show up to Wednesday night poker, but later he learned he needn’t have bothered staying away as Jim hadn’t gone either. Leonard wasn’t going to apologize this time around. Just because he didn’t want to stay on the ship for Christmas didn’t make him a bad person or a miserable human being.

His resolve lasted until the fifth day. He had stopped deliberately avoiding Jim the day before, but it seemed Jim wasn’t ready to reciprocate.

Everyone was lined up in dress uniform to meet some alien princess they were shuttling to a conference. Leonard tugged at his collar and avoided looking at Jim. When Starfleet had first handed down this assignment ,Jim had talked his ear off with guesses of what the princess would look like. It didn’t matter to Leonard what she looked like; he already disliked her. He loathed wearing the dress uniform, which was itchy and tight. Everyone was abuzz with the excitement of doing something out of the ordinary, and it grated on his already frayed nerves. He chatted with Scotty and Sulu, who stood on either side of him in the line.

She didn’t look like a princess in anything but dress. If one didn’t look too closely she looked human, but on closer inspection it became obvious that the shape of her skull was too elongated, her eyes were too big, and her movements were a little too graceful to identify her as quite human. Jim was all charm, introducing her to everyone. She was gracious, not seeming bored by meeting people who had nothing to do with her going to the conference. Then again, Leonard figured she was used to it.

He was doing supply inventory when they got to the Sickbay part of the tour. Leonard came out to greet them. The princess—Dakima, he remembered—looked around curiously and smiled when she spotted him. Her eyes looked above his head and then at him. She smiled and stepped forward.

“I have read of your long-ago earth customs.”

Leonard was so startled by the feel of Dakima’s lips, dry and soft against his, that he froze. His hands came up to cup her elbows as she swiped her tongue across his closed lips. He didn’t consciously open his mouth, but he was tasting anise before he knew it. Dakima pulled back and looked around her.

“This is the correct custom, yes?” Her hands still rested on his shoulders.

Jim’s laugh was a little forced. “Yes. Would you like to see the botany labs?” He seemed a little desperate to get her out of Sickbay.

Dakima turned back to Leonard. “Thank you, Dr. McCoy, for allowing me to take part in your custom.” She looked a little shy, and Leonard couldn’t help but be charmed.

“The pleasure was mine,” he replied. It wasn’t every day one got to kiss a foreign princess—unless his name was James T. Kirk, that is.

After they left Leonard looked around and saw everyone staring at him. Two of his nurses looked downright horrified. What—he wasn’t that bad-looking, was he? “Get back to work, show’s over.” He scowled extra hard at anyone he caught looking at him.

By dinner time it was all over the ship that the princess had kissed the CMO. Jim and Dakima were dining privately, and Leonard was eating with Sulu and Chekov. The feel of the stares from the other diners was making his skin crawl, and finally he got up and left without a word, returning to his quarters.

When his door alert sounded a short time later he didn’t bother moving, thinking it was Jim finally coming to talk. “Come in.” It wasn’t Jim, though. Instead, Princess Dakima walked in.

“Greetings, Dr. McCoy. I hope I am not imposing.” She was looking at his chest and he remembered he wasn’t wearing a shirt. Cursing under his breath, he left to put on a shirt and came back. He wasn’t sure what she wanted; what he was thinking couldn’t possibly be right. Jim was the one ladies always wanted, not his bad-tempered best friend. He watched her as she looked around his room and picked up a photo of Joanna. Dakima looked over her shoulder at Leonard and said, “She is very beautiful. She has your eyes and mouth.”

It had been so long since Leonard had been in this situation that he was unsure what to do. At the Academy his partners had always been of like mind: just a casual encounter to scratch an itch. He muttered his thanks and asked if she would like something to drink. Dakima’s smile was sweet and demure and Leonard didn’t care if it was an act, he just wanted to touch and be touched, to connect with another being. For too long he had been adrift here with nothing except Jim and misery tying him to this new life he had made for himself.

Dakima didn’t need words, it seemed. She dropped her robe and, naked, came forward to clasp his hand and lead him to his own bed. Leonard lost him himself in her to her softly spoken words and touches.

Jim rolled over on his back and stared up at the ceiling. He was tired, but he couldn’t sleep. He hated to give in, especially when he knew he was right, but above all else he hated fighting with Bones. Nothing else seemed right when they weren’t speaking to each other. Deciding that they needed to clear the air or he’d never sleep, Jim got up and dressed. He was so busy rehearsing what he was going to say to Bones that he didn’t notice the guards at the door until he was right on top of them.

“Hello.” The guards just looked impassively back at him. Jim sighed. “I take it you’re going to be all night.”

One of the guards lifted a brow as if to say, “Did you doubt it?” By the time Jim got back to his quarters he was seething. How could Bones act so irresponsibly? The last thing Jim needed was a rumor to start about how loose the crew was. If it were him, he would have been much more discreet and gone to her room instead. He knew this had to have been the princess’ idea, because Bones would never approach a lady—let alone a princess—with the assumption that they would be having sex.

He should be happy for his friend, Jim knew, but at the moment all he could think about was how he felt like he was losing his best friend. Bones didn’t want to spend Christmas with him, had been ignoring him for the past week, and now he was taking alien princesses to bed. It was the kiss in Sickbay—she'd gotten one taste and wanted more. Jim couldn’t blame her; he knew from experience just how soft Leonard's lips were.

****  
 _Starfleet Academy, Year 1_

Jim hurried to his room, narrowly avoided crashing into another cadet. Finals were over and everyone was rushing about, preparing to leave for winter break. Jim had been planning to spend it alone, like he had for the past four years, when he’d gotten a vid-call from his mother. She was in Iowa and so were Sam and Aurelan, and she really wanted Jim there, too, to celebrate the holidays.

Part of him wanted to make a comment to the effect of “too little, too late”. He’d never had a Christmas with her growing up; he and Sam had spent the holidays with their grandparents up until their passing. But he was being offered a chance now, and he guessed he should be thankful he wasn’t going to spend Christmas alone again this year. He had invited Bones to go to Iowa with him but Bones declined, claiming previous plans.

Jim was in the middle of packing his bag when Bones walked in. “Hey, Bones, have you seen my grey sweater?”

Bones just looked at him for a minute like he wasn’t really seeing him. “Try looking under your bed.”

Jim did and he found the errant sweater. He belatedly remembered that it had gotten pushed under there last week when he’d come home from the bar with a particularly busty redhead—who incidentally had been going down on him when Bones had walked in on them. Jim sniffed the sweater to make sure it was okay before throwing it into the bag. Bones was quiet and Jim looked over at him.

“You okay?”

“When are you leaving?”

“As soon as I’m packed. I can leave tomorrow just as easily,” he offered.

“No. The sooner you’re gone, the sooner I can start the wild orgy I have planned.” Jim could tell Bones was trying to keep him from worrying.

“You wound me, Bones. You’ve been holding out on me all this time. I should have known that brooding façade was really a front to hide your depraved sexual appetite.”

Bones raised a brow at him. “I think you’re confused as to which one of us has the depraved sexual appetite. I’m not the one who fucked my faculty advisor over her desk.”

Jim blushed. He really shouldn’t have told Bones about that. “She came on to me,” he mumbled.

Bones snorted. “Yeah, I’m sure she just tore your clothes off and had her wicked way with you.”

It could be annoying how everyone always expected him to want to get in their pants. That wasn’t to say that if they were willing he wasn’t happy to oblige, but he didn’t push himself on people. “Whatever,” he said as he threw a pair of socks into his bag.

“Abuse of power is what that was. She’s lucky you didn’t report her,” Bones said by way of apology.

Jim just shrugged. Checking his bag one final time to make sure he had everything, he asked, “You sure you wouldn’t rather come with me instead?”

“I have a hard enough time dealing with one Kirk. I can only imagine what a house full of them would do to my sanity.”

Bones was sitting on the end of Jim’s bed, watching him. Something about the way he looked made Jim think of how he must have looked all those times his mother had left him. Without thinking, he walked over and hugged Bones. Bones stiffened at first but then relaxed and hugged Jim back.

“You know where to find me if you change your mind.”

“Thanks, kid. Now, get out of here.” Jim gave him one last look and left.

Three days later, on Christmas Eve, Jim punched in the code to get into the room. Expecting to find it empty, he was surprised when he walked in and saw Bones on his bed, reading. Bones looked just as surprised to see Jim.

“I thought you were going to Georgia for Christmas,” Jim blurted out.

“And I thought you were going to be in Iowa.”

Jim dropped his bag and went to sit on his bed. “My mom’s new boyfriend—who she just sprang on us—and I didn’t get along. I got tired of him and his smug looks and left.” He sighed and flopped back on the bed. “It’s not that I don’t want her to be happy and find someone, but the guy was a complete asshole. He seemed ever so pleased with himself that he was plowing George Kirk’s widow. How can she not see he’s a tool?”

“Probably because it’s easier to not see the bad things about someone than to be lonely.”

Jim wondered if Bones was talking about his ex. “Well, it just proved to me that I’m better off on my own.”

“It couldn’t have been all bad. What about your brother?”

Jim smiled. “It was good to see Sam again and meet his wife. She’s pregnant, actually, with a boy. Sam seems so different now. It was like a bunch of strangers coming together and trying to pretend they’re a family when none of the things that make a family are there.” It was quiet after he said that and Jim shifted uncomfortably. “What about you? Aren’t you supposed to be in Georgia right about now, instead of in my room?”

Bones scowled and looked at his PADD. “ I lied. I didn’t want you to worry about me or stay here and miss out on being with your family.”

“If I learned one thing from that trip it’s that they’re not my family, Bones. They haven’t been for a long time. You should have come with me; maybe I would have stayed. You have a way of making me see reason.”

“Maybe,” Bones replied. Jim didn’t press him about the reason he hadn’t gone back to Georgia. He had a feeling he knew why. They spent the rest of the evening drinking and watching vids.

It was around two in the morning when Jim looked over and saw Bones passed out. Jim turned off the vid and went over to the bed. He removed Bones’ glass from its precarious perch before pushing and pulling until he’d gotten Bones under the covers. No way he was making it back to his room now.

Jim wasn't sure what made him do it—maybe it was the alcohol, or the fact that Bones looked so young—but he leaned down and kissed Bones’ lax mouth. His lips were as soft as they looked, and Jim paused for a second after he pulled back, debating whether or not to do it again. Ultimately he didn’t, not wanting to take advantage. It occurred to him that he might have woken Bones up and he quickly darted a look at Bones’ face. He was still sleeping peacefully. Jim returned to his bed and turned out the light.

“Merry Christmas, Bones.” It was several hours before he could sleep.

***

Leonard swallowed back the rude comment he wanted to make to the gossiping nurses as he walked past and settled for glaring and asking pointedly if they didn’t have something better to do—like work.

He should have known it’d get all over the ship that the princess had spent the night in his quarters. He was surprised when Jim didn’t show up for breakfast; Bones would have thought this development would at least have warranted a little ribbing. He had almost asked Spock if he’d seen Jim. Making a decision to corner Jim after shift, Leonard focused on his current project, sending out messages to the crew members who needed to come in for drug testing.

Jim tried his best to not appear like he was sulking. He'd thought he was doing a brilliant job until Spock lifted a brow at him and gave him a look. Jim frowned and turned away, finally excusing himself to his ready room. He ignored the waiting paperwork in favor of playing games on his PADD. By the end of shift he was feeling much more like himself, but that only lasted until Spock reminded him that all the senior officers were dining with the princess that evening. By the time he stepped off the lift, Jim was back to sulking.

He knew it was a petty thing to do, but he didn’t care: he seated Uhura clear at the other end of the table so he could have Spock’s attention and ignore Bones and Princess Dakima. When Bones showed up ten minutes late with his hair still wet, Jim just waved him off. He got so caught up talking to Spock about the other Spock and debating the morality of of using telepathy on enemies that the dinner passed quickly, although the looks Bones had been giving him out of the corner of his eye had not gone unnoticed.

When dinner was finally over Jim made sure he was deep in conversation with Scotty, trusting that Princess Dakima would usher Bones out. He wasn’t disappointed when she did exactly that. He thanked everyone who had helped with the dinner and then headed back to the bridge. He loved messing with the Beta shift pilot’s head. It wasn’t professional or nice, but it was a lot of fun; and after all, there was only so much fun to be had on a spaceship.

Leonard made it on time to the morning meeting by the skin of his teeth. He slid into his chair just as Jim started talking. Leonard avoided Scotty’s knowing look and Spock’s unvoiced disapproval. He hadn’t meant to oversleep; in his defense, it had been a while since he’d been so shagged out that he slept through his alarm. Dakima had been very insistent about making every minute of their last night together count. He shifted uncomfortably in his chair. Damn, his back hurt.

When everyone started filing out at the end of the meeting, he stayed behind. “Jim, can I talk to you a second?” Jim and Spock exchanged a look and Leonard couldn’t help scowling.

“Sure.”

Leonard waited until they were alone before launching in. “You’ve been avoiding me.”

Jim made a derisive noise. “I stopped by several nights ago, but you were otherwise engaged.”

Frowning, Leonard asked, “Is that why you’ve been avoiding me? You’re jealous that I got the girl for once?”

“What? No. I’m actually happy for you. You needed to get laid. I’m rather hoping it will do wonders for your disposition.”

Looking away from Jim, Leonard said, “I’m not going to Deneb Kaitos after all.”

Jim looked surprised. “If that’s where you want to spend your holiday, then you should go.”

Leonard huffed out a breath. “Dammit, Jim, do you really think I’m a miserable person?”

Jim was silent for several seconds. “It’s not that I think you’re a miserable person, I just think you’re comfortable being discontent. You’ve gotten used to it—it makes you feel numb and safe. Why did you want to leave, Bones?”

He wanted to snarl and tell Jim where to shove his psychoanalyzing, but there was a grain of truth to what he’d said and Leonard was man enough to admit it. “You’re happy, kid, and I’m happy for you. You worked hard to get where you are, and you deserve to enjoy the holidays without my apathy staining them.”

“Bones.” Jim said it almost softly. “I’m doing it for my crew. To give them something to be excited about, and to foster cultural understanding. Yeah, I get into it when I see how everyone is enjoying it, but that doesn’t mean it’s erased all that came before.”

Leonard looked at Jim suspiciously. “You’re not going to start singing carols at random moments, are you?”

Jim grinned. “I make no promises. Anyway, I like your apathy. It makes me feel like the normal one.”

Leonard rolled his eyes and stood up. “Come see me before you beam down. I want to give you an allergy booster.”

“You just want an excuse to use me as a pincushion.”

Leonard quirked a brow. “I don’t need an excuse. You present opportunities all by your lonesome.”

“Whatever, Bones. I know you like to satisfy your sadist kink on me,” Jim threw over his shoulder as he walked out. Leonard just rolled his eyes and headed back to Sickbay.

He was in his office typing up a report when he heard a commotion. He hurried out to see what the emergency was. He hadn’t expected to see Jim covered in blood and Spock standing there looking fierce.

“What happened?” Leonard barked, shoving one of the nurses out of the way. His breath caught when he got a good look at the phaser wound. “Chapel, prep for surgery!”

Leonard motioned for Spock to follow him as he decontaminated and changed for surgery. He looked meaningfully at Spock until Spock got the hint. “The princess’ contingent was attacked. Jim managed to disable one of the assassins and was wounded himself.”

Hitting the button with his elbow, Leonard walked backwards into the operating room. “I’ll update you as soon as we’re done.” He paused. “You weren’t hurt, were you?”

“Nothing that requires medical attention, Doctor.”

Leonard scowled. “Let me be the judge of that. Have one of the nurses look you over—and that’s an order.” Spock inclined his head in acknowledgement.

Three hours later Jim was out of surgery and sleeping. Leonard had dismissed the nurses and was gently cleaning the abrasions on Jim’s hands. Leave it to Jim to rely more on his own two fists than on a phaser. He was feeling much calmer now that Jim had been healed. Leonard blamed it on the emotions that always came after Jim had been hurt. He remembered another time he had cleaned Jim’s hands after a fight.

***  
 _Starfleet Academy, Year 2_

Leonard paced back and forth outside the aeronautics building, waiting for Jim to get out of his final. He was nervous about how Jim would react to his offer—not that Leonard was really giving him a choice, hence the ambush. Leonard was so caught up in his anxiety that he didn’t realize Jim had come out until he felt a slap on his shoulder.

“Hey, Bones, what are you doing here?”

“I wanted to catch you before you made any plans. Come on.” He started walking, knowing Jim would follow.

“Where we going? That’s a mighty big duffle you have there, Bones.” Jim smirked at him. “If I didn’t know how vanilla you are, I’d be worried.”

“Maybe you should talk to Jocelyn before you start calling me vanilla.” Seeing Jim’s surprised look, Leonard laughed.

“Seriously, where we going?”

Not sure why he was so reluctant to tell Jim his plans, he said merely, “You’ll see.”

Jim figured it out halfway to the transportation hub. “You didn’t have to lie to get me to go with you, Bones.”

“I didn’t lie, I just didn’t tell you where we were going.” He looked at Jim, who just stared back calmly. “You didn’t have any plans and I thought you might like to see Georgia, since you’ve never been there.”

“Thanks for thinking of me, Bones. I hope you packed an extra pair of sleeping pants. I’d hate to give anyone the vapors.”

For all the selfish and inconsiderate things Jim sometimes did, it was moments like this, Leonard thought, that make up for it all. Jim knew full well Leonard was scared to go back to Georgia and he was being dragged along to play buffer, but he played along like it really was because Leonard wanted to see Georgia. Leonard was even more grateful for him when Jim kept up a steady stream of talk during the whole shuttle trip. Leonard was drinking liberally from his flask, both from agitation over flying and from anxiety about going home for the first time since the divorce.

By the time they pulled up to the house it was already late evening. The air was crisp and smelled like trees. They hadn’t even set foot on the stairs when the door was thrown open. “Leonard!” Arms wrapped around him and held him tight. He braced himself against the wave of guilt that almost engulfed him.

Evelyn, his mother, pulled back to look at his face and he held still and let her look her fill. She patted his cheeks before moving her attention to Jim. Before Leonard could make introductions his grandmother was there, her hands wrinkled and soft with age.

“About time you showed up, boy. I thought I was going to have to go to San Francisco and knock some sense into you.”

Leonard chuckled. If anyone was capable of it, it would be Hortensia McCoy. “Consider me properly chastised.”

Her attention then swerved to Jim. “Introduce me to your friend, Leonard.”

“Jim, meet my grandmother, Hortensia McCoy.”

Ever the charmer, Jim took her hand. “Pleasure, ma’am.”

“Pretty manners to match your pretty face. Careful, or you might just find yourself facing the wrong end of a blast gun.”

Jim just smiled and tucked Hortensia’s arm in his. “Then it’s a good thing I know a doctor, isn’t it?”

“It won’t matter if you get your pretty face blown off,” Leonard rejoined grumpily.

“Leonard,” his mother admonished. “I hope you boys are hungry. I’ve been cooking all day.”

Leonard almost groaned. As much as he loved his mother’s cooking, he still had to fit into his uniform—and he didn’t have Jim’s metabolism. He left Jim with his mother and Hortensia and went to stow their bags upstairs. Then he made the comm call he had been dreading all day and headed back downstairs. He found Jim telling Evelyn how they’d met, while Hortensia heated up plates.

“From then on I started calling him Bones. He just doesn’t seem like a Leonard to me.”

“Quit telling my mother lies, Jim.”

“They’re only lies when you don’t want anyone else to know them.” Jim looked at Evelyn and rolled his eyes.

After dinner they said goodnight and headed upstairs. Jim paused in the doorway of his room. “Thanks for inviting me, Bones.”

“Don’t be so quick to thank me—you haven’t met the rest of my family yet.”

He was true to his word: the McCoy clan descended on the house for Christmas. They took to Jim like all McCoys seemed to. Standing in the corner to view the room, Leonard was able to see when a cousin grabbed Jim’s ass and rubbed it. After that, Jim spent the rest of the night with his back to the wall.

When the guests had departed and only the immediate family remained, they broke out the bourbon and the poker chips. Jim managed to amass quite the pile, giving Hortensia a run for her money. Leonard was too distracted to win. He was waiting for the arrival of his ex-wife.

When the bell did ring everyone paused and looked at Leonard. He got up and answered the door. Jocelyn stood there clutching Joanna’s hand.

“Jocelyn.” He knelt down. “Hi, Jo.” His daughter hid her face in Jocelyn’s skirt, and Leonard’s heart ached at the thought that his daughter would no longer run into his arms. Jocelyn had the grace to look embarrassed. He stepped back. “Come in.”

“I can’t stay long,” she said as she came in. “You look good, Len.”

“Thanks. So do you.” He was surprised to find he meant it.

He led them back to where everyone else was gathered. By that time Joanna had detached herself from Jocelyn’s side and ran to Evelyn.

“Grandma!”

Evelyn picked her up and exclaimed, “My word, you get prettier by the day. You’ll be a heartbreaker just like your mom.” If the word heartbreaker had a certain tone, everyone ignored it. “Drink, Jocelyn?”

“No, thanks, Evelyn. I should be going.” Turning to Leonard, Jocelyn said, “I’ll pick her up tomorrow afternoon around three. Merry Christmas, Len.”

“Same to you, Joce.”

Once she was gone the atmosphere instantly lightened. Eventually Joanna went over and climbed into Leonard’s lap. He buried his face in her hair and just breathed her in. When he introduced her to Jim he was unsurprised to find that Joanna didn’t seem the least bit shy. Jim had that effect on people. And when Jo smiled extra-big at Jim, Leonard knew another McCoy had fallen under the Kirk spell.

Jim was kind enough to leave Leonard to spend the day with Joanna. They went out to breakfast and Joanna showed him her school. He made a point of taking her to a photographer and getting some holographs taken. He hated that he had to rely on Jocelyn for new ones. They ended their day at the park, where he chased Jo until she was exhausted. He walked home, instead of taking a cab; he knew they’d be late, but he just wanted to hold her a little while longer.

When he arrived he saw Jim and Jocelyn sitting on the porch talking, and something ugly stirred within him. He didn’t want them talking. It wasn’t that he thought Jim would make a move on her—no matter what anyone thought, Jim was not cruel. It was then that it dawned on Leonard that he’d never really had to share Jim before. They certainly had other friends, but no one could touch what they had together. It almost felt like in bringing Jim here to his home and introducing him to the family, Jim was no longer solely his.

“Sorry I’m late. I decided to walk home.”

He expected Jocelyn to huff about his having made her wait, but instead she said, “It’s fine, I haven’t been waiting long. Thanks for wearing her out. Hopefully I won’t have to fight to get her to bed tonight.”

He didn’t know what to say or how to act around this Jocelyn, who seemed to hold none of the anger she'd once had. “I, uh, got some holos taken. I don’t know if you want some of them or not.”

At a holo of Leonard and Joanna together she paused. “She looks so much like you in this one.”

“She’s definitely got my temper, I noticed.”

Jocelyn snorted. “You don’t know the half of it.” She smiled at him in a way he hadn’t seen in such a long time that his heart kind of fluttered. “I think I’ll take these three. I’ll frame one for her. She could use a new picture by her bedside.”

Leonard woke up Joanna and said goodbye. Once he had her secured in Jocelyn’s vehicle, he joined Jim on the porch to watch them drive away.

“What do you think, Bones, should we check out the nightlife tonight?”

Leonard looked at Jim and raised an eyebrow. “Getting bored, Jim?”

“Not at all. You said you’d show me Georgia, though.”

“And you think seeing the inside of a bar is equal to exploring?”

“Bones, a bar is a microcosm of the community. Plenty to learn there.”

“Whatever you say, Jim.” Jim had been a good friend the past couple of days and he deserved a chance to unwind. Leonard vowed to not say a word if Jim found someone he was attracted to.

He chose a bar that was familiar but out of the way. He was sure word had gotten out about his visit, no way to avoid it, but that didn’t mean he wanted to deal with people asking nosy questions. Ordering two beers, they stayed at the bar instead of getting a table.

“Did you come here a lot?”

“Every day, the week leading up to when I left to meet the shuttle in Riverside.”

There was another reason he’d chosen this bar: not a lot of women came out this far, and the ones who did were usually already in someone's company.

They were both on their third beers when trouble found them. This time Jim could honestly say he hadn't started it.

“Well, if it isn’t Leonard McCoy. I had hopes that when you ran off to Starfleet you'd stay gone, but here you are.”

Leonard rolled his eyes. “No need to be bitter, John. I’ll make sure and do as your momma asked and put in a good word for you.”

“Jocelyn never did anything better than when she left you for my brother.”

Leonard just smiled, but out of the corner of his eye he saw Jim go on alert. He knew exactly what that smile meant. “Actually, it should be your brother who never did anything half as good as fucking my wife, because we all know he was never going to have more than two credits to rub together. He must be grinding his teeth over the fact that I never put Jocelyn’s name on the deed to the house.”

Jim laughed, the sound high and long.

“Figured since you couldn’t satisfy pussy, you’d switch to cock?” John looked Jim up and down and leered. “Tell me, boy, does the good doctor beg like a little bitch when you fuck him?”

Leonard didn’t have time to do more than set his drink down before Jim knocked John out with one punch.

“Jesus, Jim.” Leonard threw down credits and hustled Jim out of the bar. He ducked a fist from one of John’s friends and elbowed the man in the solar plexus as Jim punched the second friend in the gut.

It was quiet the whole way home. Leonard was angry with himself for not picking a more out of the way bar, and he was mad at Jim for throwing the first punch, even knowing John’s goal was to provoke him into doing just that.

When they got back to the house Leonard sat Jim down on a kitchen stool and told him to stay put. He gathered up ointment and derma-seal before going back downstairs. Jim winced when Leonard started to clean his hand, and Leonard couldn’t help the “that’s what you get” that came out.

“Don’t be like that, Bones,” Jim whined.

“Why did you let him provoke you? I don’t care if he thinks we’re sleeping together. Hell, half the academy thought the same thing a week after we got there.” Jim rubbed his temple with his free hand, and Leonard gave in and administered a pain reliever.

“I didn’t hit him because I felt I had something to prove. I decked him because I didn’t like the way he was talking to you.”

Leonard sighed. “I’m not worth the trouble, Jim.”

“Yeah, you are.” Jim leaned forward to rest his forehead on Leonard’s shoulder. “I’ll always fight for you, Bones.”

Leonard was struck dumb. How did one respond to that? He wrapped an arm around Jim’s shoulders and rested his cheek on Jim’s head. “I think you’ll just take any excuse to fight.”

A movement in the shadows had him looking up. His mother gave him a smile and left as quietly as she’d come in.

***

The clearing of a throat brought him out of his reminiscence. Spock stood there looking as embarrassed as a Vulcan could. “I came to inquire as to the well-being of the Captain.”

It was then that Leonard realized he had unconsciously been stroking Jim’s hand. “He’ll be asleep for at least another twelve hours. Then he’ll be on bed rest for two days, and light duty for the following two.” He fiddled with Jim’s monitor so he wouldn’t have to look at Spock.

“I will let Lieutenant Commander Scott know.”

After Spock left, Leonard got a nurse to finish cleaning Jim’s hands and did his level best to put Jim out of his mind and concentrate on his other patients. If he paused by Jim’s bed more frequently than was strictly necessary, it was only because he was a thorough doctor.

He forced himself to leave Sickbay when shift ended. Once he was settled in for the night he found himself aroused and erect. It was another reason he avoided casual sexual liaisons: it was easier to go without than to recondition the body to not want regular sexual activity once it had grown accustomed to it.

When ten minutes later his erection still hadn’t abated, he turned over onto his back, shoved his hand down his sleep pants, and grasped his cock. He thought of what he and Dakima had done two nights previously. She had ridden him hard, taking her pleasure and pushing him to his limits. He tried not to think of the fantasy she had whispered to him as she rocked.

 _“Your Captain is a very attractive man, don’t you think, Leonard?”_

 _He scowled at the thought of her fantasizing about Jim while fucking him. “If you think he’s so good-looking, why are you here with me instead of him?”_

 _Dakima leaned down to kiss him. “Do not be angry, Leonard. I am very happy to be where I am. I seek only to heighten our pleasure.”_

 _“Talking about Jim during sex really does nothing for me.”_

 _“I’ve seen the way he looks at you. There is something like want in his gaze.”_

 _Leonard was starting to lose his erection. “He looks at every female within a 100-meter radius like that. Most likely he was looking at you. Jim—as far as I know—is straight.”_

 _“If he was, he would not have looked as if he wanted do me harm when I first kissed you.”_

 _Leonard didn’t want to talk about this. He knew Dakima was mistaken. Jim was the least subtle person he’d ever met. If Jim wanted something—or someone—he’d make it known._

 _Dakima clenched her vaginal muscles. “I think he wants you, Leonard. I would go so far as to say that if we called him right now and invited him over, he would be more than willing.”_

 _He arched up into her. “Of course he would—you’re beautiful, and he’s James T. Kirk.”_

 _“Oh, no, Leonard, he would be most interested in you. I was thinking of him watching us. The thought excites me, and if I’m not mistaken, it excites you, too.”_

 _Leonard flushed in shame. He’d never been the exhibitionist sort, but the thought of Jim staring at him with those blue eyes had his cock twitching in excitement. Dakima smiled and rocked harder. “Do you only want to him watch? Personally, I wouldn’t mind knowing what those hands and that mouth feel like.” She traced his lips. “His lips are almost as attractive as yours.” She leaned forward to brace herself, her hair spilling over her shoulder to tickle his cheek. “He would touch himself—yes, he would not be able to help himself, I think. For you are just as beautiful as he.”_

 _His hips lifted up to meet hers. Dakima’s voice was every bit as erotic as her words. Leonard sought her lips and moved his hands up her thighs to grasp her ass, adding strength to her movements. He could tell she was getting close._

 _“Dakima, you should see yourself. Your skin is so beautiful, and our excursions have made you luminescent. Jim loves breasts. Yours would have him waxing poetic. One look at you and there's no way he wouldn’t be touching himself.”_

 _Dakima whined and her rocking became tighter and harder. “He would come to the sight of your face, though,” she panted out. She inhaled sharply and then fell apart._

 _Leonard couldn’t get the image of Jim, cock in hand while he watched them make love, out of his head. It was enough to push him over the edge. Dakima chuckled into his chest. “Mmm. I wish I were staying long enough to make it a reality.”_

Leonard embellished the memory this time around, imagining Jim looking at him, eyes half lidded, saying “Bones”, as he stroked himself to climax. He came so hard it took a moment to orient himself, and when he did he felt nothing but disgust for himself. His best friend was lying in Sickbay and here he was, getting off on a fantasy about him. Damn Dakima for putting the idea in his head in the first place. Now he would be just one more person who wanted Jim Kirk.

Jim was sitting up in bed talking to Spock when Leonard showed up for shift. “Bones,” Jim called.

“Dammit, Jim, keep your voice down. This is Sickbay, not a rec room.”

“There you go, Spock. I know I’ll be fine when he starts cursing me.”

Leonard gave Jim his best “thank your lucky stars I don’t have a hypo in my hand” look and went to check in with the Gamma shift doctor. He was having a hard time looking Jim in the eye.

As the weeks passed, more and more of the crew ended up in Sickbay with careless injuries. Leonard couldn’t get too angry, because everyone was in a good mood—even Chapel. She hadn’t harped on him about his late hours in two weeks. He found himself less inclined to yell at the crew for their stupidity when all he got in response was a smile and a “Happy holiday!” He couldn’t wait for the new year and for things to return to normal. He was starting to worry that he was losing his edge.

Most nights he skipped dinner and went straight to bed. He was planning on doing that very thing tonight and had just keyed into his room when he was brought up short by the sight of Jim sitting on his couch in dress uniform. Shit! He’d forgotten tonight was the closing ceremony on Alpha Sagittarii.

“Jim, I’m exhausted. All I want to do is sleep.”

Jim look genuinely regretful when he said, “You only have to stay for a few hours, I promise. But you have to go. They’re eager to meet the good and kind Doctor McCoy. ”

“All I did was give a kid a vitamin booster, for Christ’s sake.”

“We know that, but to them you cured some childhood illness. Just let them pat you on the back and tell you what a genius you are, then you can beam back up and go to sleep.”

Leonard heaved a sigh. “Fine. Let me take a shower first.”

On Alpha Sagittarii he found a discreet corner and sipped some alcoholic drink. It had a strange aftertaste, but he’d already scanned it so he knew it wouldn’t kill him. He’d spent the last hour with aliens fawning all over him. While he appreciated their gratitude, he couldn’t help but be irritated that he was getting thanked for something so trivial. He’d stay for another half hour and then leave.

He spotted Spock and Uhura off to the side, stroking fingers, and couldn’t help his eye-roll. They both liked to pretend they were the picture of decorum, when everyone on the ship knew exactly what they were doing when they touched hands. Sulu and Chekov were across the room trying to act like they weren’t checking out Janice Rand and one of Leonard's nurses named Annabel. They’d better hope Jim didn’t catch them eyeing Rand; he was very protective of his yeoman. Leonard thought it was because Jim was afraid she’d transfer if a relationship went south. She was the only one who laughed at all of Jim's jokes and didn’t complain about his tardiness in getting reports done.

He scanned the crowd, looking for Jim, and saw him talking to a blonde who looked vaguely familiar. Leonard forced his gaze away. He wasn’t going to be one of those people who mooned after Jim, waiting for the day when he’d finally cast his gaze upon them. Leonard didn’t understand his new-found attraction to his best friend, and frankly he thought it made him no better than those silly fools who lusted after Jim like Orions on sex pollen.

He had just pushed off from the wall to let Spock know he was leaving when a drunken diplomat spilled his drink down the front of Leonard’s dress uniform. Leonard barely held in the curse that was dying to get out. He steered around the diplomat and informed Spock he was leaving, cast one last look at Jim, who was still talking to the blonde, and headed outside to hail Scotty for beam-up.

As he shed his uniform he was reminded why he didn’t like parties. The last one he’d attended had ended the same way, with him becoming someone’s beverage carrier. He stepped into the shower stall and swore that next year he would avoid all parties and banquets whenever possible. On the plus side, he didn’t think he’d get an early morning visit this time.

***  
Starfleet Academy, Year 3 __

 _Leonard was just coming off one of the worst shifts of his career and contemplating all the bars that were likely to be open on Christmas Eve when his PADD beeped, alerting him to a new message. He considered ignoring it, but on the chance it might be Joanna or Jim he checked it._

 _To: Leonard H. McCoy, M.D. (lenhmccoy@starfleetmed.global)  
From: James T. Kirk ( jamestkirk@starfleet.edu) _

_Bones, party in Kellar Hall. Wipe that scowl off your face, it’s real alcohol this time—I promise._

 _Leonard heaved a sigh. While the lure of free booze was extremely tempting, he was willing to shell out the credits to have peace along with his alcohol. The last time he had gone to a party he’d had to watch Jim flirt with anything in a skirt while listening to Jim lecture him on how he needed to relax. By relax Jim meant have sex—and, fine, Leonard liked sex as much as the next person, but having meaningless sex with a stranger just didn’t appeal to him. He decided he would pretend he hadn’t got the message._

 _The door swooshed open when he was brushing his teeth._

 _“Bones!”_

 _Leonard knew he’d locked the door to make access possible only with medical authorization. Fuck genius computer hackers who had no sense of boundaries. “I locked the door for a reason, Jim.”_

 _Jim paused and took in Leonard’s freshly showered state. “I figured since you’ve showered you were done.” He looked baffled. It was barely enough to keep Leonard from punching him._

 _“Go away, Jim. I’m tired and I have no interest in going to a party.”_

 _“Bones,” Jim all but whined._

 _“No. You’re perfectly capable of going to the party without me.”_

 _Jim scowled. “Where’s your holiday spirit, Bones?”_

 _“Probably in the morgue with the patients I had to declare dead today.”_

 _Silence met his retort and, assured of victory, Leonard took his clothes into the bathroom to change. When he came back out Jim was talking to Jocelyn on the vid-screen. The ugly part of Leonard reared up with a vengeance. They were laughing together about something and it took an effort not to start yelling._

 _“Don’t you have a party to go to, Jim?” He thought it had come out sounding neutral, but maybe not because Jim and Jocelyn both stopped laughing, and Jim was looking at him with a wary expression._

 _“I was waiting on you.”_

 _Leonard ignored him and greeted Jocelyn much more civilly. It didn’t pay to be rude to the mother of your child. “Hello, Joce, how are you?”_

 _“I’m fine, Len. I was just calling to confirm Joanna’s travel arrangements.”_

 _Leonard shot Jim a look. Jim was smart enough to make himself scarce while Leonard and Jocelyn talked. She put Joanna on afterwards and Leonard relaxed at hearing how excited his daughter was about coming to visit him. They were due to ship out in a month, so his mother was bringing Jo out so he could say goodbye. As they wrapped up their conversation, Joanna asked if Jim was there. Again that unpleasant something inside of Leonard reared its ugly head._

 _“Yeah, sweetie, let me go get him.” While Jim chatted with Joanna, Leonard lurked nearby. By the time they were done talking he was craving a drink like an addict._

 _Not surprisingly, Jim talked him into going to the party. “Just for an hour,” he promised. They weren’t there for even ten minutes before Jim left to dance with some blonde. Leonard’s mood just got blacker; the only thing not annoying him was the free alcohol, which he was keeping in clear sight. A drunken Orion, who he recognized as one of Jim’s previous hook-ups, stumbled into him. It was only after she’d left that it occurred to Leonard that she’d given him a very thorough grope, for a drunk._

 _Jim returned with a very pretty brunette in tow. He stayed only long enough to make sure Leonard started a conversation with her. The girl wasn't bad-looking—had really nice eyes, in fact—and if he hadn’t been in such a bad mood he’d have put some effort into their conversation. As it was, he was just waiting for her to wise up to the fact that he wasn’t really interested and then he intended to leave._

 _Suddenly he was knocked into from behind, causing him to crash into the girl in front of him so that both of their drinks spilled on him. What little remaining patience he had snapped and he turned around, ready to chew out the idiot who’d knocked into him. When he saw the idiot sprawled on the floor being helped up by his friends, Leonard sneered. He didn’t bother saying goodbye to the girl, just set down his nearly empty cup and walked away._

 _In the bathroom he whipped off his shirt and wrung out the excess beer before sticking it under the hand dryer. He knew he shouldn’t have come to this party. Damn Jim to hell for pestering him—and then ditching him, just like every time they went out. Leonard didn’t know why he was so upset. It’d been like that since he’d met the kid._

 _When the bathroom door opened he didn’t bother looking. He just wanted to get his shirt dry enough to put back on and then go back to his room._

 _“Bones?” Jim was standing there looking at him. He licked his lips and his eyes darted up to look at Leonard’s. “Alyssa said someone spilled their drink on you and you left.”_

 _“As you can see,” Leonard said snidely._

 _Jim looked taken back, unsure what to do or say next. “We don’t have to stay—”_

 _Just then the door opened and another cadet came in. He looked at them blearily before stumbling over to a urinal. The guy didn’t wash his hands when he was done and Leonard pointedly made a comment about some people’s hygiene practices._

 _When they were alone again, Jim tried once more. “We can leave, Bones. You want to go to a bar?”_

 _“No, Jim, I don’t want to go to a bar or anywhere else. I’m going home.” Leonard pulled his slightly less damp shirt on and moved towards the door. “Alone,” he emphasized, and he left._

 _As he walked back to his room he felt guilt well up at having been so rude to Jim, but he justified it by telling himself he’d been perfectly up front with Jim about not wanting to go to the party. Leonard didn’t want to acknowledge that what was really bugging him was the ease with which Jim had interacted with Jocelyn. He'd felt the same way when he’d seen Jim and Jocelyn talking on the porch in Georgia. He shied away from thinking about that one too hard. When he got back to his room he stripped and took another shower before crawling between the sheets._

 _He was jolted out of sleep by a sudden weight on his back that knocked the air out of him. “Bo-ones.”_

 _“What the fuck—Jim?”_

 _Jim didn’t move, just shifted to get more comfortable. “Don’t be mad at me, Bones.”_

 _“What do you expect me to be when you wake me up at ass o’clock in the morning, drunk and reeking of sex?”_

 _Leonard turned over onto his back to look at Jim. Usually when Jim woke him up this early in the morning it was because he needed patching up, but the kid appeared fine, just drunk. “Jim, you woke me up and you’re not even injured. Why are you here?”_

 _Jim was clutching at him in a way he’d never done before. “I’m sorry, don’t be mad at me any more. I’ll do anything.”_

 _Leonard sighed and fell back on his pillow. “You can start by taking a shower. I wasn’t lying when I said you reek of sex.”_

 _Jim made a noise and fell off the bed. Leonard peeked over the side to see him struggling to get his shoes off. He finally gave up and crawled toward the bathroom. Leonard shook his head in exasperation. “Jesus.”_

 _He got out of bed and dragged Jim to his feet and guided him towards the loveseat. One of the perks of already being a doctor when he’d enlisted was getting his own room and having enough space for a couch. He crouched to take Jim’s boots off. He pushed on Jim’s shoulders until he was laid out on the couch, but Jim just popped right back up._

 _“No, I have to take a shower so you won’t be mad at me any more.”_

 _Leonard sighed again. “I’m not mad. Just go to sleep.”_

 _Jim didn’t listen to him and struggled to get up again. This time Leonard held Jim’s shoulders down to keep him from getting up. “I promise I won’t be mad at you if you just go to sleep, okay?”_

 _Jim lifted one arm and touched Leonard’s cheek, then his hand slid down to touch Leonard’s lips. “Nothing feels right when you’re mad at me.”_

 _“Sleep, Jim.” This time Jim complied without a struggle._

 _Back in his own bed, Leonard allowed himself to feel satisfaction that Jim felt the same way he did about their friendship._

 _***_

Two days before Christmas found them docked at Starbase 1014. Jim and Spock were on conference feed with Starfleet command. Leonard was finalizing his resupply list when his comm unit beeped.

“Hello, doctor. You have an incoming message from Earth.”

“Thank you, Lieutenant.” Leonard opened the recorded message and his daughter’s face filled the screen.

“Hi, Daddy.”

“Hi, Jo,” he replied, even knowing she couldn’t hear.

He sat down and listened to his daughter babble on about her friends, school, and the puppy she was trying to convince Jocelyn to get her. She was getting so big; it was moments like this that brought home the fact that by the time he was done with the tour he would have been gone half her life.

“Uncle Jim sent Momma a card and it made her cry. She didn’t let me see it—”

Leonard rewound and played the segment again. Jim had sent Jocelyn a card? Why? That ugly feeling he’d tried so hard to forget he could ever feel roiled angrily in his stomach. He had told himself he was being ridiculous that time he’d heard Jim and Jocelyn laughing together, but this confirmed it. They had been talking—had continued to talk.

His mind was spinning, so he saved the rest of Jo’s message to finish later. They couldn’t be in a relationship. His mother hadn’t mentioned Jocelyn and Clay breaking up. Although the more he thought about it, he realized that Jim didn’t seem to have been with anyone in months. He hadn’t actually seen Jim leave the banquet with the blonde, so as far as he knew Jim had been celibate for a while.

The thought that Jim might be in a relationship with Jocelyn just about had Leonard hyperventilating. No, Jim wouldn’t do that to him…unless he was in love. Leonard stood up abruptly and hastened out of Sickbay, ignoring Chapel’s concerned inquiry. In his room he paced and brooded, working himself into a fine state. There was only one way he could find out the truth.

By the next day Leonard was back to his normal state: grouchy with a side of apathy. He was glad he hadn’t run into Jim during his freakout. He was getting ready to beam down to the starbase and meet up with Scotty and was almost out the door when Jim called to ask Leonard to come to his quarters

Jim’s door opened before Leonard had even finished inputting the code. Stepping inside, he saw Jim sitting at his desk. “You wanted to see me, Jim?”

“Yes, I just had an interesting conversation with Uhura.” Jim gave him a look.

Leonard could feel himself flushing. “I, uh....”

“Wanted to make sure the card was the only correspondence I’ve had with Jocelyn. I get it.” From his tone, Jim may have gotten it, but he sure didn’t like it.

“Jo said that card made her cry.”

When Jim just shrugged his shoulders, Leonard wanted to growl with frustration. He desperately wanted to know what the card had said. Jim just continued to look at him, like he was searching or maybe even waiting for something.

“I told Scotty I’d meet him in fifteen minutes. Is there anything else you wanted to talk about?”

“No, you can go.”

Leonard wanted to ask Jim to go with him but was too afraid that after what had just happened he would say no. He turned to go but was stopped by Jim’s next question.

“Are you still in love with her, Bones?

He turned back. “Jocelyn? No. We fell out of love long before we even divorced.”

“Then why ask Uhura if I’d been in contact with her?”

Leonard really didn’t want to answer that question. “Jim, I have to go meet Scotty.”

Jim stood up and walked towards him, his gaze thoughtful before taking a hard slide into intense. “You wanted to know if there was an increase in communication going back six months. Why is that?”

Leonard decided it was best to remain quiet and hope Jim didn’t guess the truth.

“Noticed I’d stopped sleeping around, did you? Worried that I’d fallen in love with Jocelyn, Bones?”

He didn’t answer, just stayed stock-still, his eyes averted. Jim moved closer. “If I didn’t know better, Bones, I would think you’re jealous.”

Leonard walked further into the room to get away. He didn’t want to hear this, but Jim was never one to let things go.

“You were acting weird back in Georgia that day when you came back and saw us talking, and again when you caught us laughing together.” Jim slunk forward. This wasn’t teasing, or even understanding for Jim. It was a fucking revelation, when the predator realized it had its prey cornered. “Don’t like to share me, do you, Bones?”

Leonard finally found his voice. “If I had a problem sharing you, don’t you think it would have been an issue before now? I shared you with the whole population of San Francisco during the Academy and I share you now with every crew member and the population of every planet we visit.”

“Ah, but you know those don’t meaning anything. They don’t know me, see _me_ , touch _me_. You do though, don’t you, Bones? You would notice something like my not sleeping with anyone and think it was because someone had finally managed to mean something to me."

Leonard was struggling to control his temper and his breathing. He wanted to yell that he didn’t care if Jim had fallen in love with someone. It wasn’t any of his business.

“Don’t you want to know who I’ve fallen in love with, Bones?”

“Sure, kid. I’d like to send them a card congratulating them on doing what everyone thought was impossible—taming James T. Kirk.”

“Then it should come as no surprise to you, as you’ve always been an overachiever.”

Scowling, Leonard looked at Jim, who just stared back, willing Leonard to accept what he was offering. Jim edged closer; Leonard was frozen in place. He didn’t know whether to run or grab Jim. He was cognizant enough to know that if he ran it would do more than damage what could be. Jim inched closer until he was right in front of Leonard.

“Bones?”

Leonard brought his hands up and placed them on Jim’s chest. He’d touched Jim a thousand times, but this felt like the first. Jim, never one to let things stay platonic when they could be more, pressed his body close and pressed his lips to Leonard’s. It wasn’t the type of kiss Leonard had ever thought Jim would give, and it was enough to knock him out of his fog. Grabbing Jim by the back the neck, Leonard crushed their lips together. Oh, the sound Jim made. Leonard thought he could very easily become used to this.

There was biting, bruising grips, tongue, and noises. Leonard basked in the passion of it. Jim loved him. Wanted him. It was enough to make him feel seventeen again, in the first heady rush of falling in love. He wanted more. But at the same time he was a little afraid. What did this mean for their friendship? He had never done anything with another male other than kiss. Their kisses became tentative, grips less bruising, more soothing.

He pulled away from Jim and rested his forehead against his. Leonard didn't know what to do with the desire he was feeling. He body wanted more, but his mind was screaming that anything more would only lead to his getting hurt. Jim wasn't known for monogamy; and while Leonard had never been bothered by it with his other partners, he knew he couldn't share Jim. A voice whispered that Jim had said he loved him, and that had to mean Leonard was different from the others. He wanted so badly for it to be true that he ached. He wanted all of Jim, unconditionally and irrevocably.

The whole time Leonard had been thinking, Jim had been quiet, doing nothing more than softly stroking his neck. Jim was offering everything he could, and Leonard could either take it or leave it. He decided to take it.

He wasn’t entirely sure of what he was about to do, but he turned around anyway and started unbuttoning his shirt. Jim’s hands reached around for the fastening of Leonard’s pants. Leonard couldn’t help the shiver that wracked his body when Jim slowly tugged his pants and underwear down. The feel of Jim’s palms sliding down his legs made his breath stutter. Jim lightly tapped one ankle to remind Leonard to lift his foot. Jim stayed kneeling on the floor and Leonard leaned forward, bracing himself against the desk. Jim touched Leonard’s right leg, and Leonard took the hint and brought it up, resting it on the edge of the desk.

Blushing crimson at the thought of Jim looking at him _there,_ Leonard had only an inkling of what Jim was about to do before a wide strip was licked across his entrance. His whole body jerked at the feel of tongue and then air hitting the wetness left behind. His hands curled on the flat surface of the desk, looking for purchase, for something to anchor him. He felt tingly and lightheaded. It didn’t seem real, what he was doing, _who_ he was doing it with. He was both terrified and electrified in a way that was sending conflicting messages to his brain.

“Fuck, Bones, you make me want to do the dirtiest things to you,” Jim breathed out against his thigh, nuzzling there and then moving back up to tease around the tight ring of muscles before spreading Leonard wide and dipping the tip of his tongue inside.

“Jesus Christ, Jim!”

Jim hummed in amusement and then nibbled and sucked the sensitive skin around Leonard’s opening. Leonard’s legs trembled from the tension that wracked his body. He felt so fucking dirty, but he didn’t care as long as it was Jim making him feel that way. He trusted that no matter how reckless Jim was with regard to himself, he had never been anything but protective of Leonard.

Leonard tried desperately to think of anything other than how good it felt to have Jim fucking him with his tongue. He was in danger of going off at any second. He desperately wanted to reach down and stroke his cock, to relieve some of the aching pressure he was feeling, but he refrained, not wanting it to be over too soon.

The sound he made when Jim pulled away was truly humiliating. “Shhh,” Jim soothed. “I have to get something. I’ll be right back.”

Leonard shivered and tried to stay in the blissed-out head space he was in so he wouldn’t over-think what was about to happen and run. He was so tired of running. He wanted this, and he knew Jim wanted it, too. The fear was still there, though—fear of ruining a friendship that meant more to him than just about anything, the worry that maybe he needed this more than Jim ever would—despite Jim saying he loved him. Jim had never been the type to need things, not the way Leonard did.

Jim returned and pressed close. Leonard could feel Jim’s erection against his ass and he jolted at the foreign feel of it. Behind him, Jim stilled instantly. “We don’t have to do this, Bones. You can fuck me…or we could just go meet Scotty, if that’s what you want.”

Leonard turned at the hesitance in Jim’s voice—as if Leonard wouldn’t be interested in fucking Jim! “We are going to do this, and I _will_ fuck you, but first you’re going to show me that your reputation isn’t as overblown as I’ve always suspected.”

Jim grinned wickedly and coated his fingers with the lubricant he had retrieved. The first slide of a finger inside of Leonard was shocking, even though he was expecting it. “I’m going to make you feel so good, Bones,” Jim promised.

One finger was quickly replaced by two, then three. All the while Jim kept up a litany of how good he was going to make Leonard feel and how perfect Leonard was. Leonard wished he could see Jim’s face, but in a way he was almost glad he couldn’t. He wasn’t sure he would like being penetrated and he wanted to give Jim this. Give himself.

The fingers were removed and then the blunt head of Jim’s cock was pressing into him. It stung and was not the most comfortable feeling, but Jim was petting Leonard’s stomach and raining kisses over his neck and shoulders.

“You feel so good, Bones. You have no idea how many times I’ve fantasized about what it would be like to be inside you—or to have you in me.”

Jim held still and let Leonard adjust before easing in slowly until he was fully embedded inside of him. When Leonard was ready he put a hand behind him to let Jim know he could start moving, and he worked on relaxing as Jim started to rock into him.

It wasn’t long before Jim was slamming into Leonard’s body. With one of Jim’s arms holding him across the chest and the other holding his leg up and away, Leonard felt like he was being fucked wide open. The idea made him moan. He must have made quite a picture, he thought, and he wished he could see Jim’s cock moving in and out of him.

“Fuck, Bones, you feel amazing,” Jim panted, and the hand that was supporting Leonard’s leg moved to fist Leonard’s leaking cock.

“Jim, dammit, _fuck!_ ”

Leonard couldn’t help clenching and he jerked forward into Jim’s hand. He leaned forward a little more, wanting the ability to push back against the cock thrusting in and out of him. He worked up a good rhythm and was close to coming when Jim stilled and came inside him in three heavy pulses. When Jim immediately pulled out Leonard cried out in mixed pain and displeasure. Hands gripped his hips and turned him around and then Jim was there, shoving three fingers back inside him and swallowing him down like he was starving for it, only to choke and then dive back in.

Leonard wished he wasn’t so far gone so he could savor the feel of Jim’s mouth on him for the first time. Oh, how he’d fantasized about that mouth. Just thinking about it had his hand moving down to cup the back of Jim’s head, holding him in place. Jim’s sucking was making the dirtiest sounds, and that more than anything was what sent Leonard over the edge, gripping Jim’s hair and shooting down his throat. He flushed and apologized when Jim choked.

Jim guided him to the bed before leaving to clean up. When he returned he gently nudged Leonard’s legs apart and cleaned him. Leonard was grateful for the thoughtfulness; he really didn’t think he could move just then. When Jim was done Leonard pulled him down on the bed and Jim settled on his side, facing him. Leonard didn’t care if he did come off as clingy; he pulled Jim towards him, twining their legs and pressing their pelvises together. He put one arm under Jim’s head and stroked his hair with the other hand. Jim didn’t fight it but seemed happy to stay like that forever.

They didn’t talk for a long time but were content merely to stroke and press light kisses on available patches of skin. Right before they were about to nod off Leonard whispered into Jim’s ear, “What did the card say?”

Jim smiled against his chest and leaned up to reach his ear. As he listened, Leonard felt the prick of tears. No one had ever believed in him the way Jim did, loved him as fiercely, and he didn’t know what he’d done to deserve to mean that much to anyone—to Jim. He pulled Jim closer and hid his face in Jim’s neck, trying to steady his breathing. But Jim, never one to hide from the difficult things, wouldn’t let Leonard hide, either.

Shrugging his shoulder so Leonard was forced to look up, Jim said, “You’re going to have to get used to hearing it, Bones. I’m not going to stop telling you how amazing you are. I’ll do it every day if I have to.”

Leonard made a derisive noise. “Jim, you don’t have the attention span to do anything every day besides eat and breathe.” Therein lay his fear—that he would open himself up only to have Jim realize that loving him was more of a hassle than anything else. How many times had Jocelyn told him that loving him was hard at times?

“When it comes to you, Bones, you’ll find I have a singular focus.”

Leonard pulled Jim tighter for a second. He’d just have to have faith that Jim meant it. “Merry Christmas, Jim.”

Jim stroked his back as he said, “Yes, it is.”


End file.
